I THINK I AM GOING TO STOP CHECKING

because my tongue keeps going there like it forgot the lesson.
everyone I have ever loved left quietly,
and now my mouth knows the shape of absence.
I miss my ex-bestfriend and the way we sat on the floor
doing nothing like it was sacred.
I miss everyone else too,
but I don’t want any of them back.
I just want the ache to stop introducing itself every morning.
Life is running your tongue over the empty socket of a rotten tooth
and pretending it’s curiosity,
pretending it doesn’t hurt because the bleeding stopped.
Tomorrow I will eat carefully.
Tomorrow I will laugh at the right moments,
and text people back and rinse my mouth out.
I will be normal. I will be fine.
But it’s almost midnight and the house smells like old cups,
And my jaw hums with memory,
And the gap feels larger in the dark.
Life again. The habit again.
I think I am going to stop checking.